Another revealing post.
Aug. 15th, 2004 12:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aethwolfWell, here's a view of how bad I can get when I crash. Some of these have been edited to remove info I'd rather keep private at the moment.
These e-mails were sent starting April 20th of this year.
My original message:
Yesterday, at approximately 4:15, I suddenly thought, "Gods, I wish Kemo was here for me to hug." That got me to thinking, and when I'm bored, that's a bad thing. I managed to think myself into an almost depressed state. I started doubting my own sexuality and whether trying to get you to be my mate was worth the time and energy. I'll snap out of it in the next couple of days.
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bethtoney replied:
Anytime you want a hug I'm here to give ya one, and I don't need you in no depressed state :) As for the sexuality thing I believe your straight but it's your choice =P, and Keith I love you for who you are. You don't have to try to get me to be your mate. So just erase that thought out of your head :) As for now I'm with Adam, and I don't see it changing soon, but I enjoy being in your company. You're one of those parts of me that can't be replaced by nothing else, and you have your own little spot in my heart :) So just enjoy being in my company as I am in yours. I believe we're better off friends right now anyway. Imagine if we was to get together and brake up within the next month or so..where would that leave you for the rest of the summer and college eh? =P Patience. Good things will come your way.
I replied:
I know I don't need to be depressed, but, like I said, I'll be out of it in a few days. I'd probably hug you more, but I'm just a very private person, and I'd have to be alone with you to do it. I know the sexuality thing is my choice, but my head's just messed up right now. I'll try and get the thought of you being my mate out of my head, but it's just difficult. I have feelings for you, and I tend to feel things very strongly. The real thing I'm wrestling with is whether to give up hope that someday we may be mates. I love you and being in your company. >I know the last bit of that is kind of random, but I'm just trying to keep it together and not break down crying in class. Gods, I'm just not used to being this open with someone. I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to make you feel sorry for me...it's just I decided I'd try to open up about things like this, and you're the only person I trust enough to say this kind of stuff to. Just in this last paragraph I had to stop twice and just browse in another tab to keep from breaking down.
I hope this doesn't freak you out or anything, but I need to get this off my chest. (I'm not deliberately dumping this stuff on you, it's just a trust >thing. I'm also doing this to change myself, something I've been trying to do for 2 years. This is a baby-step, but that's further than I've been able to get.) For most, being in love with a member of the opposite sex will suffice to answer the question, "Am I straight?" For me, it's more complex. I have a confession to make...I'm not as non-sexual as I let on. For a long time, I pawed-off daily. The last few months, though, it's been more like once or twice a week. I of course, created little stories to do that to; the story I sent to you is a generalization of several of them. [Sentence deleted]
bethtoney replied:
First I want to start off by giving you a *hug*, and telling you that I hate that I bring you to tears :( I don't want to hurt you-ever, and I feel privilaged to be so trusted by you, to know that you worry about me, and to know that you love being in my company.
One of the hardest things for a person is to be in love with their best friend. I think everyone is in this situation at least once in their life, but I've been through it many times. I learned that sometimes, even though we enjoy being in their company, and they make us feel good, that we just need to leave our feelings for them at that. I learned to stop and think, and I thought "Ok, considering what I know about this person would I be happy with them, and would they honestly be happy with me?" That one question that I have kept through my mind has saved me from alot of heartbreak and lost relationships, and sometimes its better to have them as a friend than to possibly lose them and then not have them at all or not have what you used to have with them before as a friend. Let's take me for example. I'm an outgoing happy not shy person. One of the things that I absolutely could not stand about Jesse when I was dating him was the fact he was always quiet and never said anything. This made me depressed to look at him, and when I was around my friends it made me feel bad to just stand there and watch him be all...blah. I couldn't take it. I was a happy person, he wasn't, and I confronted him about it. Well now that I'm not dating him anymore things between us are different and probably never will be the same, and it's a shame, even though while I was with him I did help him improve on some of his habits, he almost went to being worse than he first was after we broke up. So sometimes you just have to stop and think about these things in all areas, and then decide what would be the best thing to do.
As for the sexuality thing - me wierded out? Na. Honestly, I figured you was more sexual than you let on, but I also know your personality and that's just something hard for you to admit. Also, I don't think you have to worry about your sexuality. Right now, with you being a "personal person" you're just now getting around to exploring what you like and what you don't. I think you're just in the middle of that stage, and that you'll eventually be fine, but hey no matter what you decide my opinion of you ain't going to change :) I'll still love ya just the same. So go explore!
And don't worry about "dumping all this on me" - your not, and I'm glad to see you open up. Tell me anything you want too. I'm here for you, and I'll give you my honest opinions, and I'll help you in any way I can. :)
I replied:
It's not you that was nearly bringing me to tears, it's just opening up like that. Once I started letting a little go through, it all nearly came out at once.
About the stuff you said in the second paragraph. That's what's been going through my mind. I think just asking myself, "Would I make her happy?" was what brought on this whole bit, which I think I'm just about out of. I think I'll try and just forget about having you as a mate, for the time being anyway. It'll be hard for me to do that, though. Next month, it'll be about 18 months since I first developed feelings for you. At first, I denied my feelings for you, but I just eventually accepted it. It took me 13 months to get up the balls to say anything to you about it. Something that's been with me that long will take me awhile to let go of. I'm gonna leave all that stuff up on my site, though. You'll know when I've finally just given up on it when I take it all down. About the sexuality thing, I just tried to deny it and avoid it for a long time. I'm still going to keep on insisting that I'm non-sexual though.
It's taken me 25 minutes to type this.
I replied:
I've been out of the depressed state since Saturday or Sunday, but I just kept on getting distracted. I'm still questioning my sexuality. I keep on going over it in my head, and I seem bisexual. [Sentence deleted] I'm not going so far as to say that I am bi, I'm just saying it seems that way. P.S. If there's anything you want to ask me, do it now while I'm still in a mood where I'll tell you anything.
Yes,bethtoney, I still have those e-mails.
These e-mails were sent starting April 20th of this year.
My original message:
Yesterday, at approximately 4:15, I suddenly thought, "Gods, I wish Kemo was here for me to hug." That got me to thinking, and when I'm bored, that's a bad thing. I managed to think myself into an almost depressed state. I started doubting my own sexuality and whether trying to get you to be my mate was worth the time and energy. I'll snap out of it in the next couple of days.
bethtoney replied:Anytime you want a hug I'm here to give ya one, and I don't need you in no depressed state :) As for the sexuality thing I believe your straight but it's your choice =P, and Keith I love you for who you are. You don't have to try to get me to be your mate. So just erase that thought out of your head :) As for now I'm with Adam, and I don't see it changing soon, but I enjoy being in your company. You're one of those parts of me that can't be replaced by nothing else, and you have your own little spot in my heart :) So just enjoy being in my company as I am in yours. I believe we're better off friends right now anyway. Imagine if we was to get together and brake up within the next month or so..where would that leave you for the rest of the summer and college eh? =P Patience. Good things will come your way.
I replied:
I know I don't need to be depressed, but, like I said, I'll be out of it in a few days. I'd probably hug you more, but I'm just a very private person, and I'd have to be alone with you to do it. I know the sexuality thing is my choice, but my head's just messed up right now. I'll try and get the thought of you being my mate out of my head, but it's just difficult. I have feelings for you, and I tend to feel things very strongly. The real thing I'm wrestling with is whether to give up hope that someday we may be mates. I love you and being in your company. >I know the last bit of that is kind of random, but I'm just trying to keep it together and not break down crying in class. Gods, I'm just not used to being this open with someone. I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to make you feel sorry for me...it's just I decided I'd try to open up about things like this, and you're the only person I trust enough to say this kind of stuff to. Just in this last paragraph I had to stop twice and just browse in another tab to keep from breaking down.
I hope this doesn't freak you out or anything, but I need to get this off my chest. (I'm not deliberately dumping this stuff on you, it's just a trust >thing. I'm also doing this to change myself, something I've been trying to do for 2 years. This is a baby-step, but that's further than I've been able to get.) For most, being in love with a member of the opposite sex will suffice to answer the question, "Am I straight?" For me, it's more complex. I have a confession to make...I'm not as non-sexual as I let on. For a long time, I pawed-off daily. The last few months, though, it's been more like once or twice a week. I of course, created little stories to do that to; the story I sent to you is a generalization of several of them. [Sentence deleted]
bethtoney replied:First I want to start off by giving you a *hug*, and telling you that I hate that I bring you to tears :( I don't want to hurt you-ever, and I feel privilaged to be so trusted by you, to know that you worry about me, and to know that you love being in my company.
One of the hardest things for a person is to be in love with their best friend. I think everyone is in this situation at least once in their life, but I've been through it many times. I learned that sometimes, even though we enjoy being in their company, and they make us feel good, that we just need to leave our feelings for them at that. I learned to stop and think, and I thought "Ok, considering what I know about this person would I be happy with them, and would they honestly be happy with me?" That one question that I have kept through my mind has saved me from alot of heartbreak and lost relationships, and sometimes its better to have them as a friend than to possibly lose them and then not have them at all or not have what you used to have with them before as a friend. Let's take me for example. I'm an outgoing happy not shy person. One of the things that I absolutely could not stand about Jesse when I was dating him was the fact he was always quiet and never said anything. This made me depressed to look at him, and when I was around my friends it made me feel bad to just stand there and watch him be all...blah. I couldn't take it. I was a happy person, he wasn't, and I confronted him about it. Well now that I'm not dating him anymore things between us are different and probably never will be the same, and it's a shame, even though while I was with him I did help him improve on some of his habits, he almost went to being worse than he first was after we broke up. So sometimes you just have to stop and think about these things in all areas, and then decide what would be the best thing to do.
As for the sexuality thing - me wierded out? Na. Honestly, I figured you was more sexual than you let on, but I also know your personality and that's just something hard for you to admit. Also, I don't think you have to worry about your sexuality. Right now, with you being a "personal person" you're just now getting around to exploring what you like and what you don't. I think you're just in the middle of that stage, and that you'll eventually be fine, but hey no matter what you decide my opinion of you ain't going to change :) I'll still love ya just the same. So go explore!
And don't worry about "dumping all this on me" - your not, and I'm glad to see you open up. Tell me anything you want too. I'm here for you, and I'll give you my honest opinions, and I'll help you in any way I can. :)
I replied:
It's not you that was nearly bringing me to tears, it's just opening up like that. Once I started letting a little go through, it all nearly came out at once.
About the stuff you said in the second paragraph. That's what's been going through my mind. I think just asking myself, "Would I make her happy?" was what brought on this whole bit, which I think I'm just about out of. I think I'll try and just forget about having you as a mate, for the time being anyway. It'll be hard for me to do that, though. Next month, it'll be about 18 months since I first developed feelings for you. At first, I denied my feelings for you, but I just eventually accepted it. It took me 13 months to get up the balls to say anything to you about it. Something that's been with me that long will take me awhile to let go of. I'm gonna leave all that stuff up on my site, though. You'll know when I've finally just given up on it when I take it all down. About the sexuality thing, I just tried to deny it and avoid it for a long time. I'm still going to keep on insisting that I'm non-sexual though.
It's taken me 25 minutes to type this.
I replied:
I've been out of the depressed state since Saturday or Sunday, but I just kept on getting distracted. I'm still questioning my sexuality. I keep on going over it in my head, and I seem bisexual. [Sentence deleted] I'm not going so far as to say that I am bi, I'm just saying it seems that way. P.S. If there's anything you want to ask me, do it now while I'm still in a mood where I'll tell you anything.
Yes,
bethtoney, I still have those e-mails.